Still transitioning

It's been 4 months in my new job and the transition continues. This weekend has been focused on getting myself organized and more settled into my new life.  (Dealing with the retirement account is a post in itself - another post at another time.)

Looking back, it's hard to believe all the things that have happened in 4 months. All the changes and adjustments that had to be made along the way and I'm still getting used to things. Someone told me that it takes a full year to understand a new job or truly feel comfortable in a new environment. That first year is full of first everything in that new place and adapting takes time.

So what am I learning in all of this... change takes time and there isn't a graceful way to blow up your life, change everything and grow as a human being. By definition, it can't be. I set off on this adventure to challenge myself while I still had the energy and before I was fully assimilated by the borg. (It was a close call, let me tell you.) I needed to shake everything up and see where it all settled out. What I'm capable of. What it feels like to down size, cut ties with who you always thought you were and go discover who you could really be. You can't change and stay the same.

So I'm learning to embrace the highs and the lows. The fun and the challenges. Most of all, I'm learning to be proud of myself for taking a chance on me. For putting trust in myself and my capabilities. For investing in me and demanding more of myself than just going with the flow or doing what is easy or comfortable.

Those are difficult things to acknowledge. I've always been taught to think of others first and put myself second. Like many of us I was taught that being proud of myself was wrong. Pride is a sin, remember. You don't want to get a big head. Someone will come and take what you have or knock you off your pedestal. No one will want to be around you when your full of yourself. Yada, yada, yada.

Well, here's what I've come to learn. It's not pride that they are referring to. Arrogance, entitlement and  conceit are better descriptions of that warning. Maybe the word "pride" has come to mean something different now than when it was originally penned. But it's the judgement that comes with those characteristics that is the most damaging. In arrogance, entitlement and conceit, you're judging others. Unfortunately, when you're unable to feel proud, that judgement gets turned inward instead. This is so much more damaging and dangerous. Sadly, many of us were raised this way as children so it's all we know. Anything different feels uncomfortable and wrong.

So I am starting here and now by stating this in writing - I am proud of myself for making myself uncomfortable and letting myself learn that it's okay to be proud of me. (If that makes any sense.) It's okay to acknowledge my accomplishments and feel proud of my contributions. And it's okay to continue to build on those accomplishments and successes and grow into new and different phases of my life and who I'm destined to become. We all have gifts and to make yourself feel smaller just so others can feel bigger is wrong. Wrong for someone to impose such a thing on you. More wrong for you to allow it to continue to be imposed.

All of that after 4 months. Imagine what #5 is going to bring?