Retirement planning

One of the drawbacks of leaving a 20 year career with a single employer is dealing with your retirement account. Do you leave it in the existing 401(k) account, roll it over to a Roth or break it into a myriad of other investment options hoping to beat the S&P 500 between now and when you'd actually like to start using the money?

Well, let me tell you what I have learned along the way. Going to the retirement planner is a lot like going to the doctor. No matter how much you've been working at it, you're not exercising enough, need to lose more weight and they are going to draw blood before you can go home. I've just come to accept it. It's never good news and they always want more... and want to charge you for the pleasure of making you feel like you can't "there" from here, wherever "there" is.

That's the first problem... they always ask you when you want to retire. Duh... yesterday, of course. Apparently, it's possible if I'm willing to live on $1.65 a month until the IRS, etc says I can have the bulk of my retirement savings without giving them the mandatory extortion size chunk they demand. So, I guess somewhere between 59 1/2 and 67 is a good place to start.

Next they ask what your living expenses are going to be when you retire. Really? Can you tell me what the price of gas, coffee and housing is going to be in 15 to 20 years? Can you tell me what they are going to be next year? Didn't think so. I don't know, grab a dart and pick something. What I do know, no matter what I pick, you're going to tell me it's still not enough when adjusted for inflation. If I wanted to feel bad about something, I can pick just about any body part and ruminate on how flat, flabby or discolored it is now that I'm middle aged. Sheesh.

Last, they ask you to assume the "financial position" and give your bank accounts a colonoscopy. No matter what they find, it's never be enough. They instantly tell you they need more of today's paycheck to bridge the growing chasm created by the sluggish economy, falling stock prices, deflation... you pick one. I think they need to bridge the growing chasm in their own paychecks with the fees generated by moving your accounts around.

Cynical? Me? Okay, yes, I am getting more and more jaded and cynical as I get older and have to deal with all of this. They don't make it easy or pleasant which is fine but I come away with the sense that they are only in it for themselves. (There I go again...)

Scary part... I'm in a better financial position than most. No debt. No dependents. And I live well below my means. I started saving money in college and started my 401(k) the minute they let me... in my early 20's. I had a generous match program and once I joined management, they made a nice voluntary contribution every year that helped accelerate it's growth. If I'm feeling confused and overwhelmed by the process, what about others who were not as fortunate or disciplined as I was? I can only imagine their frustration. No wonder so many people take the easy way out in these situations... and do nothing. It's daunting and feels like a no-win situation cause you feel like it's all just a crap shoot to begin with.

So what's my plan? I've disclosed every bump, bruise and pimple on my financial derrière and the retirement planner is reviewing my position (face down on the slab is how I feel). Next week I get the verdict and the financial sentence... and the bill, I'm sure.

Stay tuned.